I am often asked what is the key to a successful relationship? While there are many things that contribute to the success of a relationship, the one thing that stands out is communication. It amazes me when I have a couple sitting in my office and neither one of them is talking. As I peel back the layers of what brought them to see a relationship coach, I often hear we don't communicate.
Without communication, every aspect of your relationship will suffer. Communication is truly the art of investment. When we take time to talk, we are sharing our lives with another. I'm not talking about sitting on the couch while both are surfing on their phones. I'm talking about real intimate exchanges. I can't think of one long-term couple I've met in my practice {nor in my personal life} who didn't have, or take time to connect with each other. Without it, we are an island unto ourselves.
When is the last time you spoke with your partner like it was the first time? In other words, when did we stop asking questions about their hopes, dreams, fears and desires? For so many of us, getting into a relationship is the easy part. We may think its hard, but in reality, keeping it fresh and moving it along is often the hard part. But the truth is, it doesn't have to be.
True communication does not require a lot of work. It really can be accomplished in as little as a half an hour a week. More is better, but uninterrupted all in active listening opens the doors to greater intimacy and fewer misunderstandings, which solidify the relationship. Being proactive is the best way to counter reactive conversations. And when we react, we in many cases are being defensive. And I think we all would agree that we would rather clear up confusion before it turns into suspicion. Because by the time someone is suspicious, they have already played out the worst case scenario in their head. And even if they're wrong, if we can provide a little peace for them, why wouldn't we want to do that?
Let's look at it from another angle. Using the analogy that a relationship is a living entity, communication is the oxygen that keeps it alive. Thus, when there is no oxygen, the relationship dies. Or, scenario number two {which leads couples into my office}, someone in the relationship in order not to feel oxygen deprived, they seek out another source of oxygen. It starts with harmless flirting. Maybe a causal work lunch date. Soon it grows into having the inside jokes, text and then blossoms into telling them all the problems that you are having in your relationship. Guess what. Infidelity may not have taken place yet. But, it is right around the corner.
If we use the above sequence in relationship discord, we certainly can see that the flirting, texting, joking and lunches all are a form of communicating. Or in other words, they build intimacy. And that is my point. It takes us very little time to stay connected. The question we must ask ourselves is, do we deserve to be in an intimate relationship? If the answer is yes, are we willing to invest in true communication?
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