Human beings want to love and to be loved. Some are more eager than others to find their "soul mate," and the sooner the better.
Americans receive countless messages about love and romance from an early age. Fifty years ago, young girls were conditioned to play with dolls and were taught to focus on their appearance and finding a mate. Men were taught to be responsible and committed when the time was right. I'm not sure much has changed. There is still this longing and emphasis of finding one's "soul mate."
I do not believe that we all have only one soul mate in our lifetime. We can connect deeply and completely with many people over a lifetime. We may marry someone and be in a fulfilling monogamous relationship our entire lives, but does that mean we have just one soul mate? We don't know and we can't know. We shouldn't know. After you get married, I do not advocate entertaining ideas of finding a soul mate if you are unhappy with the current partner! The question is now immaterial and not applicable. It doesn't mean it is nonexistent. I am sure a philosopher has a term for this line of reasoning.
Danielle Steel and Nicholas Sparks novels will convince you that you can lock eyes with someone and poof, you will have a special love that lasts a lifetime. Isn't it ironic that both these authors did not achieve happy, lifelong love with their initial partner?
I also do not believe in love at first sight. I believe in lust at first sight. I believe we experience a strong chemistry or energy field with others. I believe our intelligence is rooted in the head, heart and gut and that we need to be mindful of those signals.
People often focus on the heart or head and the physical chemistry to the exclusion of other signals, because they desire a partner. They rush to conclusions, ignoring the true essence of the other person because they are either lonely, desperate or desirous of something for themselves. In a sense, love at first sight is often egocentric and self-serving.
How can you know the true essence of another person? I would argue that this takes time. It takes hours of conversation to discover who the person is -what are their values, priorities, pains, struggles, hurts, preferences, background? Do you know their childhood history and what the parents and grandparents were like? What do you know of their hardships and successes? What are their dreams and fears?
There is no way to know the answers to these questions just by casting a glance or two and spending a day or two with a person you just met. Are you familiar with any red flags? Have you put your antennae out to search for red flags? Red flags include: hidden information that you need to know: such as a felony, conviction, financial problems, past sexual, physical or emotional abuse from childhood, current day or if they were an abuser. Who will admit that they abused someone else? You need to interact with the person's closest circle of friends, relatives and acquaintances, if possible.
Other red flags that need healing, discussion or addressing: alcoholism and substance abuse, eating disorder, addiction, pornography, abortion. Does this person make fun of others, bully others, have disdain for certain groups?
What evidence does the person show of selfishness and making sacrifices? How does the person spend his or her time? Are you compatible? What are some things you like to do together? Alone? How are you going to deal with your differences?
You need to know one's personality and one's character and how the two of you mesh as a couple and form a third entity - a relationship that combines the two of you. How in the world can you know that upon locking eyes with an attractive person from across a room?
You need to know how one reacts to stress and trauma and how one handles changes in life. Are you familiar with the person's history, birth order, etc? Can you really look into someone's eyes and know whether they are able to forgive, whether they respect all human beings and what their world view is, how is was formed and how they practice it?
Successful relationships are not about navigating whether or not someone leaves a toilet seat up or how one squeezes the toothpaste container, it is about cultivating a special, respectful, kind, loving friendship. Through life's trials and tribulations, happily married couples have a sense of humor and a lightness about their relationship. It is a refreshing and renewing union.
Friends first, lovers next. Our culture is hot on the trail to thrust becoming hook-up partners first and then maybe friends later. Chase the pleasure, avoid the pain, never mind understanding what it means to have joy.
These are some reasons why I do not believe in love at first sight. Strong chemistry, yes, but love, no.
Lynn M. Griesemer, founder of the "Your Marriage Matters" Movement, is host of Your Marriage Matters podcast and author of "Reenergize Your Marriage in 21 Days" (2011, 2018) and "Make Your Marriage Great: Clean of Heart" (2018).
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